On Learning the Arcane Fact

David Spicer

that lizards and snakes possess two penises, I imagine
Nature awarding man one more of the appendage

he holds sacred and obscene. I understand why
Eve preferred the serpent’s counsel and chose

to eat the apple and savor its wicked seed:
It’s obvious that two heads were better than one.

The consequences of penis increase? Monumental.
Women would tire twice as fast, but,

arguably, achieve double the pleasure.
The question is whether more or fewer conquests

would occur, or if the proprietor’s members might discuss
protocol: I’m tired, you do it, even though it’s my turn.

Or, You’re not holding up your end of the partnership.
It’s a common assumption that men dub their favorite

body part Dick, Peter, Alfonso, Junior – you
grasp the idea. Think of the repercussions on the name game

if the masculine sex were to assign his two compadres the same
monikers as comic duos: Mutt & Jeff, Laurel & Hardy,

Abbott & Costello, Jake & Elwood. Or, on a sober note,
the identities of influential historical couplets: Marx & Engels,

Lenin & Trotsky, Mick & Keith, Siskel & Ebert.
And would the hemipenes be fraternal, identical, or conjoined?

Also in the medical arena, would men need paired prostates,
testicle tag teams, and buddy bladders to support this dynamic duo?

Now that the subject of urination has leaked, do we admit
the term pissing contest would receive added ramifications?

Yes, two wild things to each male should require changes
in vulgarity: wouldn’t it be a mouthful to exclaim,

You cockssuckers!? Or, Dickheads, go fuck yourselves!?
Not to mention that an either/or scenario could exist

for Big Pharma: sales for Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra
would go limp or skyrocket. Don’t you agree this

planet is a more simple venue with men wielding
one tinkertoy at a time? Aren’t we grateful that

Nature was wise to stop the gift of two randy fellows
at the primitive and not proceed to the most regal of creatures?