He said only eat half

Jason Baldinger

   these are strong, so I ate half
   the other half in my pocket
I wait on the couch with him, his girlfriend
nurse a beer, I drank too much already
wait for alcohol to neutralize
wait for the brownie to hit
while we watch saturday night live reruns

after one, I head home, alcohol
a small buzz, weed not hitting
safe for driving in theory
I make my way down penn ave
            aim for millvale
cross the 40th   it dawns
millvale cops and saturday night
      it’s a gauntlet that has to be run
I think about the dwi I talked myself out of
a few months ago, 2 beer night
coast through a stop sign, cop let me go, a ticket and a warning
   I explained I’m two blocks from home

The brownie in my pocket, untenable
       I eat the other half   incase

I pass cop cars with video game precision
      tonight I am perfect
I find my keys, smelling the record store smell
      that is my apartment, the other guys apartment          that is the record store downstairs
the first half of the brownie hits
   zombie wobbles upstairs, through rituals, to bed

safe
      tonight I am perfect

four am, eyes pop open, all of a sudden the room is technicolor, I see every shadow, I hear every noise, there is no one to talk too, they (collective or proverbial) were right you don’t want a head full of anything when a house gets quiet and dark, I wash my face, careful of the mirror, back to bed, stop to put in cds: amon duul, ash ra temple, terry riley, tiny volume, throbbing sounds, I sink low into mattress, no sleep, a heartbeat

fucking sure

I’m

dying

      we’re dying every day, why is it a surprise when you feel your mortality

meditation, how to mark time, sun comes up, lungs of daylight fill, I drift, I drift, I drift

this morning I am perfect

asleep

I wake up hours later, legs won’t work
I crawl to the bathroom, back to bed
I have to be up in an hour, I have a date at noon

these hour later legs work although my mind a viscous place, alcohol hangovers and THC in effect
      they battle for supremacy

breakfast negotiations, greasy, greasy glass eyed, today I am not perfect
but I show up on time

it took a month for her to ask why I was weird when I arrived